After My Eclipse
by riseka
Summary: Bella has chosen Edward and all her plans are falling into place. But this new life isn't everything she thought it was.
1. Chapter 1

So here it is, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing this. It's sexual, it's dark, rated M for a reason, and I love every bit of it and I hope you do too. I could never in my life claim to own the characters in Twilight but I can certainly entertain my fantasies about them hehe. I'm always open to comments, the good and the bad, because they are what help you make things better. And as much as I'll enjoy delightfully every comment I will not beg and just revel in the knowledge that at least ONE person will read this and that is enough lol So thank you who ever you are!

It was over. Finally it was over. Though I'd never admit it, the day hadn't been as bad as I had prepared myself for. After an entire day of Alice and her torture devices she swore made my skin flawless and hair perfect, her flittering about over my dress and frolicking in hers as if she'd never worn a dress before today. Somehow I managed to forget all the pain that had come to pass and fall into the day. They wouldn't let me see where it was happening but when I got there it took my breath away. We had to have a nighttime wedding, but I didn't mind. It was beautiful. Alice had foreseen the perfect day. There was a gentle breeze and not a cloud in the sky. Lanterns filled the trees and danced in the wind. This was my wedding.

I thought back over the day past the torture, past the panic and floated to the moment I thought would have been the worst of my life. It had been actually been the best. I was his. Now and forever, I was his. The woods had been lit up with so many lights I'd wondered how you could still think it was night. The ground was covered in flower petals and extravagantly decorated chairs lined a pathway to the alter. An ivy archway stood behind Emmet, my priest. I had to stifle a giggle when they told me he was going to marry us yet I found I was surprised as I saw him standing there, bible in hand, how professional he looked, how gorgeous. Then my eyes drifted to the one that really mattered. His sandy hair disheveled in that way he always had it, perfectly neat and disorderly at the same time. His eyes glowed brighter than any light, their topaz pulling me towards him. I seemed to float down the aisle, the faces sliding past me, all with the biggest smiles they could hold. And then I stood there in my Anne of Green Gables dress, him in an old fashioned suit. I could barely hear Emmet as I looked into his eyes. They were alive with excitement, the only time I'd ever seen them this way had been the night he put his ring on me. I fidgeted with the diamond ring on my left finger, thinking it didn't feel as heavy as it once did. My heart raced as we said our vows, his voice washing over me almost making me forget my own. He could hear my pulse and he gave me that smile of his. Before I knew it I was in his arms in a kiss of such passion, love and completion I'd ever known. No kiss had been like this one, and no one would ever be like it again. I melted into it completely and the world faded away. The next thing I knew I was in his arms as he carried me down the isle. Everyone was laughing and throwing rice. Yes it hadn't been as bad as I'd prepared myself for.

Now I was standing in the middle of the grandest room I've ever been in. Like one of those rooms in a Victorian mansion, which is where we were. He had taken me to London, out into the country sides. It was secluded, it was peaceful. I felt safe here, which was a rare commodity these days. Yet my stomach was not feeling the peace. It reminded me what this days end held for me. I had always pressed him, trying to force his hand to get what I wanted. When really I had no idea what I was doing or how to be seductive let alone graceful. Instead my heart fluttered and stomach tightened. Then I felt his breath on my neck, covering me head to toe in goose bumps as his fingers trailed down my arms.

"You're beautiful…" he breathed in my hair, sending shivers down my back. He was everything I had ever wanted and more. I was lost in these few syllables, unable to think.

Slowly he unzipped the back of my dress, his fingers whispering down my back as he did. His fingers slid under the fabric on my shoulders and the dress fell to the ground in a soft sigh. His arms wound around my waist and spun me around to face him. My face was hot, his eyes intense. His fingers trailed down my cheek bone as he inched towards my lips. His sweet scent intoxicated me, his every touch sent electricity through me. His kiss was passionate, longing for more. Tonight was my reward and I wanted every bit of it, no matter the price.

He swiftly pulled me to the bed, the soft sheets caressing my bare back as he trailed his hands along my body. His cool touch sent shivers through me, a welcome contrast the burning temperature of my skin. I could only gasp in pleasure as he found every curve of my body. Every touch, every kiss, every breath drove me closer to the edge. My hands fumbled with his shirt buttons. I managed all of three before he finished the job for me, and my hands rushed to touch every inch of his bare, beautiful chest. His skin was soft and I could feel the muscles move beneath his arms. He pulled my chest to his as he removed my bra in on swift motion, only the memory of a slight breeze let me know that his chest had ever left mine.

His eyes swirled with lust mixed with more love than any eyes have ever shown me. Again and again his lips found mine as his hands danced across my skin finding all my embarrassingly sensitive spots. Causing me time and time again to gasp and cry out in pleasure. And every time his hands would move more fervently with greater need. I was drowning, and it was the best experience of my life. I could hardly breath, think or feel anything besides his body against mine. His lips as he kissed the curves of my breasts or his hands as they felt the heat between my thighs. My hands flew across his back, down his arms desperately trying to touch every inch of him all at once.

Then his eyes found mine, and held me there. I stared into his topaz eyes and felt his passion, his love for me. His cool hand held my face as he whispered to me, "I love you Bella Cullen," a smile swept across his face as my name become his "till the world ends." Before the very same words could escape my lips I felt him slide into me, all thought was gone. All I could fell was euphoria spreading through me. Every inch of my skin was alive with sensations as he made me his. My arms flew around his neck, pulling myself to him, kissing him greedily urging him on, wishing for more. I could feel my body shudder beneath his and I didn't recognize my voice as my own as I called his name. It was in the air before I realized it had escaped from my lips. He kissed me so hard it hurt, but it was a sweet pain and I relished it as it pulled me over the edge, taking him with me.

When I was finally able to open my eyes I was greeted with a vision. He was laying still, silent not even breathing. Normally this would cause panic, but I blushed wondering if maybe he had forgotten how to breath and that it was my fault. His arm held my shoulder, keeping me close to him. Every muscle in my body quivered and my arms shook as I tried to move to kiss him. Without opening his eyes he pulled me on top of him, running his fingers through my hair as my face fell between the crook of his neck. I whispered nothing against his collar bone, letting my lips taste the skin across it.

"Never in my life…" he breathed out. I could only smile as my face burned against his cool skin, my heart fluttering. Then a stinging feeling in my lip reached my brain, as my tongue swiped across it a metallic taste filled my mouth. Blood. My body tensed, had he not noticed? Before I could think I leapt up falling back to end of the monstrously large bed. My legs didn't work, it was all I could do to sit there, embarrassed now. He sat up and stared at me, confusion flooded his perfect features. I looked at his neck where I had just kissed, small traces of it stood out against his pale skin. I blushed even more. Then I saw it flash in his eyes, he knew in an instant why I was there and had happened. His tongue darted out across his lips and he gave me a smile.

"Sweeter than honey." He smiled. "Come back to me Bella." He cooed, holding his hand out to me.

The words stuck in my throat, I wanted nothing more than to curl up against him feel his arms around me. I wasn't afraid for myself, only for him. I could see a twinge of pain flash across his face. That was all it took for my legs to move again and I slowly crawled back to him. He moved more slowly now, deliberately trying to ease my fear.

"Did I frighten you?" he asked as he slowly pulled me to him. The words were still stuck in my throat, all I could do was shake my head trying to tell him he couldn't scare me, even if he tried. I was not convincing.

"Water…please." was all I could manage to croak out. In an instant he was up and back with glass of water. I took it, hoping it would wash the thickness from my throat, he was concerned, and afraid. I wanted to tell him he hadn't scared me so that he would laugh at me and how silly I'd been. "Thank you." I breathed out with relief. The words came back to me and I smiled at him.

"I've met kittens scarier than you Edward." I laughed out, my mind coming back to me. "Besides, what's mine is yours now."

He smiled and pulled me close, kissing me gently. My lip stung and breathed sharply, but I refused to let him pull away. I held onto him with all my strength, which meant absolutely nothing if he didn't want it to. He let me have my way, running his fingers through my hair letting me have this kiss. When I broke away, my heart racing I smiled. "Safe as houses." I breathed out.

"Houses can fall you know."

"Not my house. It will never fall." I smiled at him.

He stared at me, then his eyes fell to my lip. Feeling self conscious I pulled it into my mouth, as if that would make it all better. But it only made it hurt more. I winced as more of the metallic taste filled my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." He sighed, I had come out of this almost unscathed which is not what he had been hoping for I'm sure.

"This? Oh this is nothing! It doesn't hurt at all…" I lied. "Are you ok? I mean the…the blood and all…" I trailed off. He knew what I meant. I looked up at him, his face as serene as always.

"I won't lie, its taking every bit of me not to devour you right here and now. But what kind of husband would I be if I ate my wife?" he grinned. He really was trying not to eat me, yet somehow I wasn't afraid. Even if he did I wouldn't mind. I could only laugh at the thought.

I laid down next to him, staring up into his eyes. His fingers ran through my hair, his scent surrounding me. I could feel my cheeks grow hot as it intoxicated me.

"I'm going to miss that…" he sighed. He began to study every detail of my face. His hands trailed across my neck and down my chest. But I didn't feel any need. I could only see his eyes as they absorbed every detail of my body. His eyes took in every freckle, every line. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment, thinking of a thousand flaws I'd never shown anyone.

"Will I still have freckles?"

"Yes" he laughed.

"Will you always remember how I look now?" I didn't know who I wanted to remember more, him or me. For 19 years I had taken it for granted that I could get sun burnt, or that rosy pink that always found my cheeks. Tomorrow none of these things would happen again. Tomorrow I would glitter in the sun like a jewel and be paler than snow. My eyes would never be brown again. Instead red or topaz would fill them. I suddenly wanted him to remember everything about me. So I could hear his velvety voice describe every inch of me once I was different.

"Always. I can still remember you from the first time I saw you. The way you smelled, how your cheeks flushed when I looked at you." His thumb drifted across my cheek, his cool skin feeling good against the heat they gave off. "And I will remember always and love you the same."

Sometimes I thought he really could read my mind. He knew I was afraid he would feel differently when I didn't have a heart beat.

"You don't have to do this." His eyes found mine once again. Seriousness fell across them. He was afraid for my soul.

"You can't talk me out of this. It's what I want. You promised me…" He was going to be the one. I smiled at the fact that I was his, and he was going to be my maker. Somehow it held a new kind of meaning. A new connection between us.

"I suppose that I did. Are you afraid?" his eyes searched mine, looking for the fear he was sure was there. But for once in my life it wasn't. I was ready. I had said my goodbyes, had my closure. I had given Charlie and Renee the proper goodbye they deserved and left them knowing that I was going to be taken care of. Victoria, I shuddered to think the name, was gone. Edward had gone above and beyond to remove the sword from my neck. There was no pressure to do this, only the desire to be with him. Forever.

"No." my eyes were clear, the only emotion I had in them was love. Love for Edward, love for the life I knew we would have. I hoped he saw that, saw that I wasn't pressured or afraid. That I was ready. Completely, totally ready.

"What if-"

"What if nothing." I interrupted him. "I think we just proved you could never hurt me. How many times have you saved me from just myself? How long have you held back? I have complete faith in you Edward. Even if you don't. So I'll have enough for both of us." I took his face in my hands and gave him a good long look. Letting him know this was it. This was my last mortal night. "So you better enjoy this night. Because it's the last night I'm mortal. After tonight I won't be so breakable, so you can look forward to that." I grinned devilishly, thinking of doing this again. I couldn't imagine it being better, but some how I knew it would be. To let him let go, to not worry about flicking my head off on accident. Knowing that he didn't have to hold back. More than anything I wanted that for him. He only smiled at me continuing taking in every bit of my existence.

I could feel exhaustion creeping in. I fought against it desperately as a yawn escaped my lips. I didn't want this night to end, yet I longed for tomorrow. Not that I was a masochist, I knew what tomorrow held. But what was three days in comparison to eternity? I could handle it. I only hoped he could. I still had not won my battle in keeping him away.

"Bella," my name wafted sweetly through the air "I have a favor to ask."

I was suspicious now. "What?"

"Give me one more week. Just one more week."

I sighed, he was always bargaining for more time. But before I could tell him no his eyes caught mine.

"I want to take you to Paris, out into the country sides of London. I want to take you on a honey moon. I want to take you to Spain and Turkey and Greece. I want you to see the world as you see it now. I can't bear the thought of your wedding night as your last night." He sighed as he looked into my eyes. He wasn't ready to let go.

My sigh mingled with his. The thought of him spending that much money on me was enough for me to say no. But his eyes won the argument as they always did. He wasn't ready, not yet. "I'm not sure we can get all of that done in a week. I have to sleep remember? So pick the most important places." I couldn't believe I'd agreed. My birthday was just around the corner, two weeks away.

Before I could blink he had pulled me into kiss of gratitude and excitement. "It's going to be fun Bella. I'll take you to all the best restaurants and show you things you've never imagined."

"I've seen plenty of things I can't imagine" I laughed "this is all that you get Edward. One week, then it's time. You have to do it or I'll never forgive you for letting me be twenty." I scowled at the number and at him with the most anger I could muster. He only laughed at me, promising me only one week.


	2. Chapter 2

His week was up. He had taken me to the Eiffel Tower, the lush green lands of Ireland and so many places it made my head spin. Together we walked through the front door of the Cullens home. Alice danced to my side smiling as the rest of the family appeared.

"Welcome home Bella!" her voice rang through the air.

"Welcome home." The family said in a chorus of angelic voices. Yes. I was home.

"Thank you." I beamed. Edward tighten his hold on my waist. He had been in turmoil all day. I was glad it was about to be over, I hated to see him like this.

"You'll have to tell me all about it Bella." Alice sang.

"You're telling me you didn't see it for yourself before we even went." I said to her, knowing full well she did.

"I still want to hear about it! All that shopping!" her face lit up as she remembered the expensive Paris boutiques.

I laughed, "Of course I'll tell you Alice. But after." They all knew what I meant. I was ready, I wanted to do it soon before Edward could back out. He had been wrestling with this all day.

"Everything is ready. I don't know if it will make any difference but I've got some morphine." Carlisle smiled, like a doctor does for a patient before a painful surgery. "Everything will be alright." He assured me, but I think it was more for Edwards sake than mine.

"Lets do get this over with." I said as Edward tightened his grip on my waist.

Edward and Carlisle led me to a room with only a bed and a chair in it. My stomach tightened, he was going to sit there, next to me the whole time. His pain worse than mine I feared.

Edward stared at Carlisle, listening to his thoughts intently. I assumed Carlisle was telling him how to do it. I hoped he was reassuring him that he could do this. That it was going to be ok. No matter how many times I told him he was still plagued with doubt. I sat down on the bed, smoothing out the wrinkles on the comforter.

Carlisle had in his hand a very large needle that made my stomach flip. It seemed silly I was more afraid of that needle than Edward, like I should be. I took a deep breath and smiled at Edward. "I'm ready."

Edward looked at Carlisle who nodded, and left the room. He looked back at me, "I want you to know what's going to happen, so you won't be surprised."

I nodded, and was grateful he was going to be straight forward with me. I had a vague idea, but nothing solid. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. I'm about to kill you…"

"But I'm going to come back." I held his hand in mine and squeezed it tightly.

He sighed and continued. "I have to… I have to drink until your heart almost stops. To make sure the venom will take quickly. The pain will be almost instant and it will creep through your veins." His eyes were tortured, he was remembering his own pain and hated to bring such a thing upon me. "You'll be in and out, and it will hurt for three days though I doubt you'll know one day from the next. When the pain subsides you'll be… a vampire."

I could only nod, words stuck to my throat. I wanted to comfort him, tell him it wouldn't be so bad. It was only three days. But nothing would come out.

"Are you ready?" he asked me. I could only nod. "I love you Bella Marie Cullen."

"I love you." Was all I could force out of my throat. He kissed me and then pulled unwillingly away.

I could hear him whisper Carlisles name and again he was standing behind Edward. Needle ready. I knew why he was there. Edward didn't trust himself, Carlisle was his safety net. I was slightly embarrassed to have him there but didn't object.

Edward pulled my hair away from my neck, brushing his fingers against my skin. I could see his eyes flash red with hunger. He leaned in and kissed my neck gently. "I'm so sorry…"I heard him whisper before I felt his teeth sink into my neck. I didn't scream, I didn't make a sound. I wouldn't let him know it hurt if I didn't have to. I could immediately feel the venom spread through my veins like fire. My eyes welled up and tears fell. It burned, more than the last time I had been bitten. The fire seared my veins and I could feel the blood draining from my body. I clutched the sheets and bit my lip trying not to scream. I could feel my body going cold despite the fire raging through it. Blackness closed in around me and I was lost in the searing pain of the fire.

The days were a haze of pain. I could barely register his cold hand in mine as I writhed in pain on the bed. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. Thoughts barely formed in my mind above it. Day and night meant nothing I only wished for it to end. I couldn't remember why I did this only that I couldn't scream. No matter what I did I couldn't scream, I knew that deep inside even though the reasons were lost behind the pain. When by body lay limp with exhaustion I could see his face and traces of why flittered across my mind; barely able to surface above the torrents of pain. Carlisle gave up on the morphine, it didn't help. Nothing did. For three days I floated in and out of consciousness, though it felt like eternity for me. I couldn't comprehend how long it had been or if it was coming close to an end or not. I only pleaded with every god I knew to make it end.

Slowly my eyes fluttered open. I could hear everything. I could smell things with such intensity. It was overwhelming. My head felt as if it would explode from the onslaught of these sensations. My throat burned intensely and I was beyond hunger. I rolled to my side covering my head in my arms. I could hear someone stop breathing, stop moving. Then I smelled him. It was intense, it was so strong and powerful it overwhelmed me. Yet I couldn't get enough of it, I pulled my arms down and rolled into the direction of the smell. It was more overpowering than the burning of the throat. I looked at him as he sat motionless. Still as a statue, staring at me, waiting. My mind began to turn on and suddenly not only could I process every sensation but I could think clearly. I was focusing on so many things at once and yet I wasn't distracted from his eyes. They were full of intensity, fear, sorrow, regret, and love.

I reached my hand out to touch his face, "It doesn't hurt anymore. Please don't look that way." I pulled myself up with surprising ease and pulled him close to me. The smell of his hair, his skin tingled my nose.

"Can you still love me after what I just did to you?" he asked, burying his face in my neck.

"I couldn't stop loving you if I tried." I pulled him down to the bed with me, running my fingers through his hair. "It's okay now, it's all over." I whispered to him, desperately trying to soothe his pain. Together we laid there, as I whispered again and again telling him everything was ok. That I loved him and it was ok now. Soon my hunger came back. It was more intense than before. Demanding my attention. I desperately tried to push it to the side. I wasn't going to let it control me. But it was strong, it made every inch of me pulse with it. I was beginning to have trouble focusing. I couldn't sit still, I wanted to move, to find something to devour. Then I heard the door knob turn I quickly tensed, not knowing what was coming and ready to eat it should it be food. Instead it was Alice. She moved slowly and deliberately.

She stared at me for a minute, then to Edward who still hadn't moved. I tightened my grip on him, clinging to him trying to stifle the hunger I was feeling. It was consuming most of my thoughts. And I knew that soon it would take over all of them.

"Are you hungry Bella?" she asked, already knowing the answer. I could feel my hunger rising in me. Struggling to take control.

Slowly Edward got up and pulled me with him. My hunger grew with every second. It was everything in me not to give in. "Lets go Bella, before…" his voice trailed off as the two of them led me into the house and out into the woods. I could smell the trees and all the creatures in the woods. I could hear their little squirrel heart beats and smell their blood. The lust and hunger grew in me as I saw the buck tied to a tree, Emmet standing next to it ready to let it loose. Every ounce of control I had was flushed away and I ran to the creature. It's heartbeat filling the air, its scent overwhelming. Emmet let the animal go and it took off into the woods. I ran after it without thinking. It was no match for me I caught up to it in minutes. I caught the buck and sank my teeth into it, its warm blood soothing the burning in my throat as I wrestled it to the ground. Its blood filling my stomach. When I felt its heart stop I pulled away, my senses returning. I stared at the huge deer lying limp in front of me. I scooted away from it full of guilt. It never had a chance. And the hunger was still there, intense and overwhelming. The deer had barely made a dent in the wall of my immense hunger. Then I smelled Edward. He had seen it all. My loss of control and disgusting hunger. I was covered in blood and I could smell it, only incurring my hunger.

"Bella." His voice rang out in the air. Pulling my focus, my control.

I lost it. "I'm so hungry, I'm afraid I can't control this! How do you do it! I want to go find another, something bigger and better! But I feel so guilty! Why can't I control it! It's overwhelming! I can hear them out there, all of them talking about me. Waiting for me to run! I can hear every movement of every creature and smell everything. I can smell the blood of the deer and it's driving me insane! And here you are talking about getting me cleaned up so I can do this all over again! And I want to! I want to devour everything! I want to run into town and go from house to house!" I got up with a start and started running. I ran in the direction I heard Emmet talking. I knew he would stop me, knock me down. And he did. He grabbed me mid stride and threw me the ground with such force. I was glad for it. To feel the pain, for it to overwhelm the hunger. But I could also feel anger, and I wanted to attack him. I heard him plead that I wouldn't get up, and hoping secretly that I did all at the same time. Without thinking I shot up from the ground and barreled into him, sending him flying through the aur breaking through several trees before catching himself. He charged at me, I braced myself. Seconds before he came crashing into me there was Edward, stopping him dead in his tracks. A terrifying snarl gurgled from his throat as he stood in front of me.

Emmet just smiled, "She started it." And laughed. Then I suddenly noticed it. I could hear him talking to Edward, but his lips never moved. His thoughts were on making sure I didn't escape, and that I had been much stronger than he anticipated. That I was going to be a handful and that Jasper might win the bet.

I stood staring at him, and then heard Edward, Alice, Esme all of them in my head. I fell to the ground holding my head. "STOP THINKING!!!!" was all I could scream. Edward whipped around, his mind filled with panic. "Stop, stop thinking I can't handle it!" Suddenly an onslaught of feelings that weren't mine bombarded me. But the calming waves suddenly warped into feelings of confusion, panic and shot out again. Suddenly every thought was filled with panic, confused everyone struggled to keep calm. Not understanding what was happening to them. In a panic I shot up and took off running, trying to put as much distance between them as me. Hoping the voices would stop if I was far enough away. I ran as fast as I could the voices trailing off till there were only two. Mine and Edwards. His mind was racing, he wondered if I could hear his thoughts, and trying to remember how Alice kept him out. I slowed to a stop, feeling that even though I wasn't alone I could handle just one voice. He kept wondering what I was thinking, what I was hearing. It unnerved him to think I could hear his thoughts. He quickly gained control. Thinking deliberately, blocking off all panic.

_Can you hear me Bella?_

"Of course I can hear you, you're right next to me." Then I realized he wasn't speaking. My voice dropped, "yeah…can you hear me?" I thought hard babbling in my brain.

"No, I can't hear you."

"I don't understand! What was that! How can I hear them? And that wave of panic… it stopped being just mine. I somehow made everyone feel that way!"

"I don't know Bella. We had no idea what you would be able to do. But to be able to do all this, this was beyond anything we expected." I could hear all the things he thought I was going to be able to do. Then suddenly it became nothing more than a whisper in my head. Then suddenly I was alone in my mind.

"It stopped. I can't hear you. I just stopped!" relief washed over me. I could feel him still, and he wasn't as relieved as I was. Then suddenly he was only struggle with the false emotions he knew weren't his.

"What do you mean? It stopped?" He took a step closer, I could feel the fear and confusion that came over him. Then suddenly nothing.

"There… it all stopped. I can't hear you, I can't feel you. I'm me again." I closed my eyes and breathed. My hunger started to creep in as relief washed over me. But it was more subdued. But always clawing away at my control.

"That panic was you? You did that?" he stepped closer to me. Slowly, not wanting to set me off again.

"I don't know…at… at first I didn't know that everyone wasn't just talking. I heard them all in the woods. Thinking of how to stop me if I came at them. Esme hoping I wouldn't, Emmet and Japser actually hoping for it. I…I looked at the deer and I headed for Emmet. Hoping he would stop me, throw me down and back to my senses. But then when he knocked me down like I knew he would I was so angry. I couldn't control it. Then I felt Jasper trying to calm me down and I sent it back with a wave of the panic I was feeling...and then…" I trailed off, my mind ablaze. This was too much.

He was next to me by the end and pulled me close. I could feel my mind slowing down as I stood in his arms. I began to focus and again I could smell the stale deer blood, and it started to drive me mad. I needed to clean it off, I couldn't fight against it. "I, I need to I can't fight it when I can smell this blood…" I trailed off. I wanted to rip the shirt off of me and run away from it but I was covered in the smell and it wouldn't matter if I was naked. I would still smell the blood.

"Lets get you home."

Together we walked silently back to the house. The closer we got the harder I listened for the voices. But I heard none. I was relieved. Edward led me upstairs to his bedroom and into the spacious bathroom.

"Lets get you cleaned up." He laid a towel on the counter and turned the water on for me.

"Thanks." I muttered sheepishly. He kissed my forehead and left me alone. I gawked as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was so pale, paler than I'd ever been. My skin was flawless and my hair was so soft despite the dried blood splattered into it. I had lost much of my roundness only to have it replaced with soft lean muscles. My eyes smoldered back at me, bright red with hunger as I spied the red of the deer's blood against my skin. I was only holding onto my control by a thread, it never seemed to completely dissipate. I always thirsted, needed more. I hoped it would get easier soon.

I started to pull my top off only to rip it in several places. I was surprised; I barely even pulled on it. I sighed, it was ruined anyway. I tried more carefully with my jeans only to rip the button off without even trying. The fabric seemed like crepe paper under my touch. I couldn't control my hands. As hard as I tried I couldn't keep myself from tearing them. I struggled, I wanted Edward to help me. But I didn't want to seem so helpless in front of him. I gave it one more try, giving up on my jeans, leaving them on and attempted my bra. As I tried to undo the hooks, instead I ripped the strap in half.

"Damnit!" I cursed. I couldn't do anything.

"Bella?" I could hear outside the door "Are you okay?"

"No! I-" before I could get the rest out he opened the door and rushed in to find my ripped bra and shredded shirt on the ground. He broke into a booming laugh that only made it all the more embarrassing. "Stop laughing at me! I can't do this!" I pouted as I covered my exposed chest with my arms.

He looked at me as I tried to cover up, "Should I get Alice?" he asked, always the perfect gentleman.

The thought of Alice helping me brought back flashes of curling irons and painful primping. "No!"

He laughed again "Then what do you want me to do?"

I normally would have turned bright red at that thought as embarrassment washed over me. "Help me shower." I croaked. I was mortified. But I knew that I would tear this bathroom apart without him.

He smiled and removed my torn jeans and under ware in one graceful move. He removed his clothes and pulled me into the shower with him. As my need for him crept in suddenly the air was filled with the scent of blood. My hands gripped his arms as the shower revived the blood dried in my hair. I watched as the water on the white tub turned pink between our feet and my hunger began to take over.

"Bella? Bella stop breathing." He pulled my face to look at his. His eyes burning into mine willing me to control this.

"I can't just not breath!" I hissed at him.

"Yes, you can. Just stop, like you're underwater."

My whole body trembled, the scent filled the air. I held my breath, willing with all that I had that the hunger would pass. It drove me mad, I wanted to break away from his grip and go find something to eat. I started to struggle under his grip, all the while fighting against the urge to free myself.

"Fight it Bella. Think of something else, anything else." He tried to soothe me as the hunger raged through me.

I tried to think of other things, but I could only remember people I'd seen strangers that I could easily pick off one by one.

"Look at me." He pulled my face to look at my eyes. It was there, in his gaze that I remembered why I had become this. Why I had to fight against this hunger and what it was I really wanted. I fought hard, pushing the unquenchable thirst back as it struggled the gain control. I stood there staring at him until the water washed away the blood. Till it ran was clear on porcelain tub. I let my hands drop from his arms I had been clinging desperately to.

"How did you stop it? This thirst, this hunger…"

"You can't. You can only remember what it is to be who you are." He pulled me to him, the water running over us. If only it would wash away this hunger.


	3. Chapter 3

As the months slipped by I started to gain small bits of control. Luckily for them I was predictable. I cared only for two things, blood and Edward. Though my blood lust often got the best of me, it was Edward that pulled me back from the edge. Alice always foresaw my plans, letting Edward know when to be on his guard. I couldn't think clearly, I could only think of how to get my hands on more blood. Each time I thought only of blindly running for it, hoping no one was around. I couldn't scheme or come up with any decent plans, the hunger overwhelmed my logic. Which made it all the easier for the Cullens to predict my movement. As the year came to an end and I found myself in the middle of a new one I found control was coming much more easily. My thoughts drifted away from the hunger to focus on more rational things. I also began to master this strange power I had.

I didn't have an active power of my own, I had the ability to sort of steal a power of that was being used on me. I could block abilities and steal them for short periods of time. When Jasper tried to influence me I could use his power as he did. When Edward tried to read my thoughts I could hear the thoughts of others. It took a great deal of time before Jasper and Edward stopped using their powers on me and even longer till I could harness them.

With my new found control came new adventures of sorts. Hunting became easier and I felt less guilty for the animals. I had found it to be a habit of mine praying for them after I'd eaten them. They all thought this was silly, all but Edward. It seemed to ease his fears for my soul to know I was still me. Today we were out hunting in the Rocky Mountains. It was quiet here, I enjoyed the peacefulness. The seclusion.

Edward had let me venture out on my own. There was no one around and I was glad for the trust he'd put in me. I wasn't going to eat anything unless it walked on all fours. I was closing in on a deer when I caught the scent of another vampire. I froze, listening to see if they were close. Even if I screamed I was too far for Edward to hear me, I'd gone much further than he said I should have in my chase for this deer. Then I heard it, not one but five and they were closing in fast. Encircling me. I was trapped. I didn't know what they wanted or if they were Volturi. That thought alone is what scared me. I saw one dart in front of me, drawing my attention. Another behind. They were gaining ground. I braced myself, ready to fight. I couldn't take them all, but I could make a few of them sorry. I had just started learning to fight, sparring with Emmet. They hadn't wanted me to learn so I would be less trouble for them. Now I was sorry I hadn't pushed the issue further.

As they closed in around me I saw a huge tree beside me. _If I was quick enough_ and before I could finish the thought I headed up the tree. I took off leaping from tree to tree, trying to get to Edward. Close enough for him to hear me scream. I could heard them running behind me now on the ground. Waiting for me. And then it happened. The tree gave out beneath me and I fell towards the ground. I never made it to the leave below, three of them grabbed me out of the air. I screamed and struggled against them, but all five were there now. I thrashed violently, to no avail. Their eyes were bright red, they weren't even a year yet and their strength was incredible.

They carried me for hours out of the mountains it seemed. I only prayed that Edward would follow my scent to find me. I tried desperately to leave a small trail for him. Thrashing about catching my shirt on braches till it ripped here and there. Anything that would lead him to me. I had no idea where we were when we stopped, only that I was in more trouble than I could imagine. They threw me into a dank shack and chained me to the wall. I was not the first they had brought here.

I looked around the room, looking for a way out. The stench of rotting bodies filled the air. I held my breath as I counted six or seven bodies. They left, leaving me shackled to the wall by my arms and neck. Terror ran through me, Edward wasn't going to make it. I had no idea what they were going to do me but the longer they left me there the more the terror took hold of me as I imagined.

I had no idea how long they'd been gone but it seemed like an eternity of me trying to free my self to no avail. Then they returned. Only three of them this time, they had just fed I could smell the blood on them. See the burgundy seep into their eyes. It was my turn. One of them pulled an old knife made of some kind of animal teeth from his jeans and headed towards me. I reveled in the fact that knives nor some little animals teeth did nothing to vampires and had a brief moment of smugness before the knife sliced cleanly down my chest. My top fell to the side leaving me completely exposed, a gash struggling to heal as the blood seeped from it. Horror filled my mind; it had just gotten worse. I tried to move away from him only to have my legs grabbed and pants ripped off of me. The other two held my ankles as the other man settled between them.

"Scream for me." He said with a grimace to challenge the devils. He began slicing cuts across my stomach inching his way down slowly. The smell of my blood only intensified his lust and I could see him losing control. Then I felt him force himself into me, a surge of pain. I did the only think I could think to do, fade away. Pretend to be anywhere else but here. The room fell away, as I forced my mind to close itself off. The cuts became deeper as I gave him no satisfaction with my screams.


	4. Chapter 4

When I came to they were gone. I was unchained, soaked in blood. My cuts weren't healing as quickly any more and I was losing a lot of blood from somewhere. I looked down to see what should have been tucked neatly inside of me, my intestines poking out from a gash in my side. I was weak, I could barely focus but I had to get away. I held my stomach together and struggled to get up. I grabbed the shirt off a dead man and threw it on, trying to cover my naked self, and fumbled out the door. I was met with a great expanse of woods in front of me. Behind me I could hear screaming, something was going on. This was my chance. I had to get away now while there was a distraction. I fumbled through the woods, not caring where I went. Anywhere was better than here. I could feel my insides against my hand, slimy and dripping, I wanted to vomit. I had to keep going but I could feel my legs giving out. The world becoming a blur. I was running as fast and hard as I could but it didn't seem enough. I would never be far enough away.

I couldn't run anymore. I slumped against a tree and fell to the ground, I still wasn't healing. I clutched my hands to my stomach and the world began to fade. I started to hear his voice. He was calling to me, this must be the end. He seems so panicked. The haze began to lift as his voice became stronger. My eyes focused and there he was. I smiled, I must be in heaven now.

"You would be so happy to know you were in heaven with me." I whispered out. The clouds still hovering in my mind.

"Bella! Bella can you hear me?" Edward asked taking in the sight of me. I could only nod my head. "I'm going to take you home now ok? Just hold on a little bit longer." I could feel him lift me off of the ground, I clutched my stomach again and the world faded away.


	5. Chapter 5

I blinked, my eyes felt dry and heavy in my head. I had no idea where I was, when I was or how long it had been. Instinctively I threw my hand over my stomach and took off to escape. Edward grabbed my arm before I could reach the door.

"Bella! Bella it's ok. You're safe." He pleaded with me.

I froze, I must have looked like a wild cat as my eyes bulged out of my head trying to understand what he was saying. I took in the room and realized it was his. Then it seemed as if the Hoover Dam broke inside of me and rush of images flooded my mind. I remembered the hunt and then the vampires. Then I remembered the dark shack, the blade, the three vampires as they- my knees gave out from under me I couldn't finish the thought.

"It's ok Bella, it's ok you're safe now." I could barely hear his voice as he caught me, and set me on the bed sitting beside me.

If I could have cried I would. I would have cried until I broke, instead only broken dry sobs came forth from my body. I curled into the smallest ball I could make my body twist into against him. It was a bitter sweet feeling against him. His body wrapped around me and I felt a surge of panic fill me. Yet at the same time he grounded me, held my mind in focus. I felt his fingers in my hair, yet everything was so far away.

When my body stopped shaking and I started to feel myself coming back I loosened my death grip around my knees and lolled onto my back.

"Bella?" his voice was strained as he tried to make it into the velvet soft tone that could sooth any frightened kitten.

"How long have I…?"

"A week now…I was worried you'd never come back to me. Alice couldn't see when, that she couldn't until you decided to. And you just wouldn't decide anything…she couldn't tell me…" I could see now his face, he hadn't eaten probably the whole week. He face was full of worry and a sea of emotions I couldn't comprehend. His eyes black with hunger that didn't seem to reach the rest of him.

"Sorry." I muttered.

"No I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there Bella. That I didn't protect you that they…" he couldn't finish the sentence. Rage flared across his face. He knew. My stomach dropped like a lead weight. Would he leave me? Did he find me disgusting? Dirty? My virtue he had once sought to protect was now gone. Destroyed in the awful place.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to be with me. I understand..." My stomach knotted, every fiber of my being hurt. I had no idea what eternity without him held for me. I felt his hand hold my chin and I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to see the disgust his eyes held for me.

"Oh god Bella… please look at me." I struggled to open my eyes. Afraid of what I would find. Instead he looked at me his eyes held something else far from the disgust I was prepared for. "Please don't think such a thing ever again. I could never be without you. You are my beautiful Bella and nothing could keep me from you. And I will spend eternity trying to make up for ever letting this happen to you. Letting them come within a mile of you. I shouldn't have let you leave my side, I should have been there. It's all my fault this happened to you." His eyes pleaded with me, pleaded for me not to leave him.

"You don't… think I'm…I'm dirty? I can feel them everywhere and it makes my skin crawl." I looked away, I knew what answer I hoped for but braced myself for the one I knew was coming.

"Never. Never could you be any less beautiful to me, should you loose all your hair and limbs I would still love you. Please don't think such things." He moved slowly, like one does not to startle a deer in a meadow. His fingers trailed across my cheek, pulling my hair behind my ear.

I reach my hand out to touch him to make sure he was real. It shook uncontrollably as I reached for him. He took my hand in his and pressed it to his cheek, I could feel is cool skin against my palm, his hand holding mine still, refusing to let it tremble with the fear I felt. He was real, and he still loved me. No matter how disgusting I felt, how I could feel them inside of me. He still loved me. I wrapped both my arms around his neck pulling my self into his lap. I tightened around him till I thought I would break him in half.

"I love you Bella. I could never leave you, I would cease to be if you weren't here. You are my light, my raison d'être." He whispered into my ear as his arms wrapped around me. My panic was less, the feeling to run still surged in me. But I could think now. This was Edward. I truly was safe now. And despite how damaged I felt inside he still accepted me. This thought alone is what helped me to breath, metaphorically that is. I no longer felt like I was drowning, I still felt dirty, damaged beyond repair but it didn't matter. He accepted me for what I was now.

"Can you eat? You need to, you've barely eaten since…" his voice trailed off. I didn't know if it was for his sake or mine that he didn't finish the sentence. Perhaps it was both.

"No… let me shower first…" not long ago I had wished the showers water to wash away my insatiable hunger and it did not oblige my plea. But perhaps this time, this time it would take pity on me and wash away the filth that I felt on my skin. Hesitantly he let me go from his embrace eyeing me warily. When it seemed he thought I fall apart he got up and turned the shower on and pulled a towel down for me.

"Ok. After you need to eat something ok?" His features were softened now, some of the tension left his face but I could still see it lingering. He knew I wasn't anywhere near being ok.

"I will." I slid off the bed, my legs feeling weak, I slowly headed into the bathroom closing the door behind me. I stripped and stood in front of the mirror. Steam began to creep across the glass as I stared at my reflection. I had no scars from the gashes they had inflicted on me. My wrists and neck were no longer raw from thrashing against my restraints. My fingers trailed across my neck and images flashed in my mind. I whipped around and climbed into the shower shaking. I turned the hot water high and the cold off. The heat burned away at my skin, I could melt their touch away. I kept willing it to be gone, to melt away under the heat of the water as I stood under its spray. I slumped to the bottom of the tub, willing the water to cleanse me.

I don't know how long I sat there lost in my silent plea, the water long since gone cold, before he came in. I watched him as he turned the faucets off, wrapping me in a towel as he lifted me out of the tub. I could still feel them inside me, their touch lingering on my skin. The water had ignored my desperate plea. I draped my arms around his neck, would I never feel clean again? I curled against him as he cradled me in his arms. The broken shell of a girl I had become. I wished the all consuming hunger would take me over, pull me into a primal frenzy but it would not come. I felt no need to drink, to breath, to exist.

"How can I help? What can I do to take this suffering from you? Bella I cannot bear to see you like this. I'm sorry I ever let you out of my sight. I'm cannot begin to show you the way back to me unless you help me. Please come back to me Bella…" his voice fell silent. His pleas unanswered he did the only thing he knew to do, to hold me close humming my lullaby.

I heard a faint knock on the door. "Not now Rosalie." Edward growled.

"Please, let me talk to her." She pleaded as she slipped through the door not waiting for his permission or denial. I could now tell Alice was waiting outside the doorway. I wondered how long she had been there. "Will you talk to me Bella?" she whispered, cautiously approaching me. I looked at her, and nodded. Maybe she could tell me how to wash it away. To be beautiful like her. She sat next to me and I could feel Edward tighten his grip on me.

"I know what you're going through Bella. I have been there once and some days it feels like it was yesterday. But I can promise you that it will get better, you won't always feel so…" I watched as her eyes flickered to Edward as shame washed over her face "dirty."

"She's nothing of the sort Rosalie!" Edward snarled.

"You're right, but that's what she's feeling. What she's thinking. Am I right Bella?"

I could only nod. She knew, she knew it all too well that she was right.

"Edward. Go get her something to eat? Give us a moment?" she looked to me and I nodded. I didn't want him to hear this, I wasn't ready for him to know what they did to me, what others had done to her. I needed to hear what she had to say. With what feeble strength I had I pulled my arms away from him.

"Just a few moments with her, then you'll come back to me won't you?" I looked at him, fear seized me as I thought that he wouldn't. I needed to know that he would. That I could talk to her, someone who understand and that he would come back.

"Just say my name and I'll be back before you can finish its syllables." He gently kissed my forehead, unwilling to leave me. Afraid that it would be like the shower, that I was getting farther and farther away. Silently he left, I could hear Alice behind him.

Rosalie turned her eyes of understanding and regret toward me. "How many were there?"

"Three…" their faces flashed in my mind. They were the same creature and three different ones at the same time, but all were equally ghoulish and hateful.

"I see… I'm not insightful like Carlisle. And I'm not eloquent like Edward. But I have been there. And I know the pain that the others don't. The numbness that sets in to block it out. The feeling of them still under your skin. I know it's not the same for you and I, but I can relate. I understand the irrational fear, the need to run away. The panic as their faces flash in your mind and you remember in excruciating detail all that happened to you. And the dirt that never washes away, no matter how hard you scrub. These are things that I have known. These are things I still know. I won't promise you a fairy tale world where you get over it and live happily every after. That your body will soon forget the way they felt, the crawl of them on your skin long before your mind will. I won't lie to you Bella. Not about this. But I will tell you it gets easier. The dirt will one day wash away. A mans touch won't scare you so badly and you'll become the girl you once were. You will always carry this scar, but over time it will fade as all scars do. Leaving its mark on you forever but not hurting so fervently. And it will take time. How much time I cannot say. But you have to try, try and heal Bella. Try and remember why it is you are here and what you wanted from this life. Try to enjoy what you have, not what you've lost. And take the most comfort in that you are loved. Edward will never leave you, especially not for this. He feels that it's his fault that this has happened to you. But it's not his fault and it's most certainly not your fault." Her eyes bore into mine with such intensity as she spoke. "Never think it is. You are still beautiful Bella and always will be. Inside and out. You are truly a beautiful soul, because before I tell you this I know what you'll think. Because you are who you are. He killed them Bella. All of them that were near that place. Alice saw his rage as he found you there, even Alice was afraid of him. She saw him rip them apart and the deliberateness he took with three of them. The panic as he went to find you and you were gone. He was frantic that he had missed one and they had taken you. He followed your trail into the woods where he found you there. You were quite a mess. He has been beside himself with guilt. Guilt that he let them near you, guilt that this is his fault and he couldn't protect you, guilt that he killed every last one of them and you'll think him a monster. Guilt that he cannot help you now and fear. Fear that you are lost to him forever and he has only himself to blame. But I can see it now on your face, that you love him. That now you're more concerned about how he feels than yourself. And I want you to hold on to that, because that is what is going to pull you out of your darkest depths. Make him your reason to be here. And as horridly corny as this is going to sound," she rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, "let his love for you heal you."

She was right it was corny. But that wasn't the only thing that she had been right about. Her words hit me to the core, she knew every thought I'd had, every feeling. And she'd made it past it all. "Thank you Rosalie." Was all I could say. I didn't need to say anything else. She knew it all already.

"I'm here for you. Always know that. We are all here for you. Now lets get you back to him before he looses it." She held her hand out for mine and I took it. I wasn't better, I wasn't ok but I was going to make it. Together we headed down stairs.

"Edwar-" I began in a whisper and instantly he was beside me. His face full of worry. "lets get something to eat."


End file.
